Step Inside the Mind of the Wolf Child

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 00:33:45 GMT

Sooo...I guess I might as well get back in the habit of updating. We'll see how well that goes.

I'm in New York for a few days. Don't know what's gonna happen with my relationship. Terrified that I'll get back to Orlando, and I won't have a home to go back to. Lonely up here. And boring. This computer is a piece of shit. I have to fix it as best I can.

Too much aggravation. I really don't know why I came up here. My dad was here for the first two days and he and my mother didn't stop going at each other's throats the entire time. I certainly didn't come here for that. And my brothers have become these...these...self-centered assholes. Ian wants my mom to give him the money she had been saving to buy a new washer/dryer so he can go buy himself some new car. Aaron thinks my mom stole money from him. And everything -- EVERYTHING -- is a bloody freakin battle with the lot of em. I can't stand this. If my cell only had service I would have already changed my flight to come home sooner. It's crazy making, and every time I turn around, I'm confronted with another memory. Most of which are painful.

Especially the ones of Jason and I.

There are memories of Sam and Geoff everywhere around here, too. And my family, and all the things I've lost or all the times I've been hurt. It's an emotional overload, on top of the issues already fogging up my brain. I've already snapped once in the past few days. I can't take all this anymore. And everyone has their shoulders to cry on, but where is mine? Who can I turn to when my heart aches?

Is there a subject for this?

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 02:02:40 GMT

Hey there everyone....I wonder who remembers me, who still reads these from my days of regular updating. Doesn't matter. Someone will read it. I guess that's all I can ask for.

It's been a while since I've hung around LJ. I've learned a lot, seen a little, and lived my own way for two years now. Don't know what to say about it. There have been good times, but a lot of hardships. I wonder now why I ever longed to do this.

Oh yeah...that's right. I was in love, and I lived with a control freak of a mother.

"Was" in love? Why do you use the past-tense, Wolfie?

Because I think the one I love has forgotten why we loved each other.

Times have been hard. Not that it would surprise anyone; times are hard all over the place. But something has happened to the one I love. Something in him has changed. Maybe something in me has changed too, but I don't know. I'm still me. I still feel like me. I enjoy a lot of the same things I always used to; though not with the same frequency. Having a full time job tends to do that. I still find beauty in the same things, I still hate living in a city. I miss seeing the stars at night, or feeling the Earth breathing around me. I've officially declared myself Pagan now, so I guess that's one thing that's different. Although my mother still doesn't know, so some things never change I suppose.

But he has changed. And I don't know what has happened to him. He's not the man I fell in love with. So typical, I suppose. Once they have you for their own, they stop being sweet and romantic and all that sappy shit. What happened to the guy who sat at my bedside when I had my wisdom teeth removed, and was under anesthesia? The one who used to pick me up for work and get me there early just so we could have a few minutes to talk before I went inside? The one who would come to Shoprite for a bottle of soda just to be able to see me long enough to say hi? Where is the man that would choose me over all his other friends to hang out with, who wanted to accept every natural phenomenon as a symbol of divine blessing on our relationship?

We used to sit in the SCCC parking lot and look at the stars, or sing along to the radio. Just because we weren't ready to say goodnight. We saw so many shootings stars together. When we were driving, he would touch my hair or hand and smile at me. And neither of us could believe how lucky we'd been to find the other.

He drove three hours in the middle of the night to be with me just because I was hurting and miserable in college. I thought he was the best guy in the whole fucking world.

We would go hiking and he would laugh and watch as I bounced around like a billy goat, telling me I was going to fall into the creek, but I never did, and he would shake his head and wonder.

What happened to all that? What happened to enjoying just the simple act of waking up next to each other? What happened to holding my hand? What happened to the random hugs and kisses? To pillow fights?

These days...things are different. As if you couldn't tell.

We were so happy. But slowly...things have unraveled. I never thought...couldn't have ever suspected that the happiness from then could have turned into this. The city has poisoned him. Being surrounded by concrete and steel, and bitterness and disappointment, having to work so hard, and getting nothing from it. It has made him so unhappy. And he directs this unhappiness at me. I wish I could make it go away. I wish I could make him happy again. I wish we could go back to where and when things were simple. Leave this deathtrap, go back to the mountaintops.

And lately...there is someone else. Not for me, no. But another girl who seems to be edging her way in between us far too fast. And she has admitted feelings for Jason. I'm not a jealous person. But something about this feels fundamentally wrong. I can't help it. It's not him I don't trust. It's her. And I don't want her around him. But what right do I have to tell him that? He says he doesn't have any friends his own age down here, and it's true. But texting each other all the time and hanging out with each other on a regular basis...all the while as Jay and I are having difficulties. Any girl would react as I have. Everyone I've talked to has said this is inappropriate. Why can't he see it? Why can't he see how much it hurts me? Why can't he understand that he's ripping my heart out with this? All because of someone he's befriended over the past two weeks. She offers him a shoulder to cry on and her heart if things don't work out between Jay and myself, but he should work things out with me if he can. Gods...I love him so much and its like he doesn't care that it hurts. I would like to say I honestly know he does care, but it really doesn't feel like he does. It is no secret I have abandonment issues. That I've been hurt in the past. That I've been turned aside because I'm too much to deal with. I'm damaged. Right down to my core, I'm fractured. Goddess if I could only have one wish, it would be for him to treat me like he used to. For him to love me like he used to. For him to hold me close again and make me feel like I'm actually special to him.

Where is he? Where is the man I loved? Goddess...I want him back. I want my Jason back. My friend, my boyfriend, my fiance, my lover, my everything, my all.

Thought to Ponder:
If wishes were wings, all the world would fly.

And you thought I was dead!

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 04:53:00 GMT

Woot! It has been for-fucking-ever since I last updated. Wow can anyone say change?

So, I've been living in none other than Orlando, FL for the past two months with my fiance. It's been a bitch and a half trying to find work though. Everyone is hiring, but not for anything that makes a halfway decent pay. My paperwork got fucked for college, so now I'm starting in October. It sucked ass though, cuz they said we were set to go, and we came in the day before classes started to get our schedules and they're like, no, your paperwork wasn't finished. Me: >.<

ANYWAY! It feels great not being under my mom's thumb, though she still refuses to acknowledge that Jason is her future son-in-law. Damn, I feel bad for Jason...he's gonna have a mother-in-law from hell.

So, the ride down here was a real adventure. We got a late start and had to take a detour to drop my father off back in Elmira (more on that later) so we only got in about 8-10 hours of driving to our actual destination before we had to stop for the night. Even though we had spent most of the day in the van...*grumbles* Fuckers didn't allow pets in the hotels so Kiba had to sleep in the van, which I hated. My baby was up all night barking for us I bet, cuz he slept all day after that. Evil Virginia.

Anywho, the next day, we didn't want to have to spend another night in a hotel, so we drove the remaining 17 hours straight. Plus pitstops to walk the dog and relieve our own human needs, including food. We couldn't keep any in the van cuz Kiba would get it lol.

But yeah...17 fucking hours in a moving van with a dog sleeping halfway on your lap....I do not want to repeat that experience again x.x But the real kicker...We finally get down here and the business office is closed, so we can't get into our apartment. At this point, we only had about 4 hours of sleep, we were tired and hungry and stiff from not moving...And we have to spend a night in a hotel ANYWAY. We drive up and down Orange Blossom Trail (the equivalent of a Broadway for Orlando), though now we've come to know it as OBT, The Trail, or Ho-BT...And a popular euphemism for a whore, or prostition around here is a 'trail worker' or 'working the trail' But yeah, we found a place to stop, and I swear to you, it was the typical motel out of a cheesy movie. For starters, the cardkey took six tries to get the door open. The beds didn't even have fitted sheets, the pillows were older than I am, flatter than pancakes and I couldn't even tell what color they used to be. The pictures they had on the (mind you, cracked and stained) walls were lopsided and in no better condition than the pillows. There was a roach in the closet, and when I walked into the bathroom, I nearly puked. Moldy bathrubs are NOT attractive. We were in that room all of two minutes before we decided we couldn't stay there. And then the owner gave Jason a hard time over the lousy $50 we paid for the place. To top it all off, the vending machine ate my dollar. >.< Funny cuz I dont even remember what I was trying to get. So, we found another place that had just opened and safe to say it was worth the extra money. Nice king size bed, fluffy pillows, a clean bathroom...even internet access. And since it was a suite and at the back of the place, I was able to sneak Kiba in lol.

Then there was a minor hassle with getting internet access in the apartment, since the cable hookups were all dummies for some reason. And after they made us wait a week to even get someone to come out here...grr...

Ok, so, why did we have to drop my dad off? Yeah, the bugger decided to drop into my life again. I think my mom wanted him to convince me not to move, or at least disapprove of Jason. Like he's in a posistion to do so...but anyway, her little plan backfired once I told him the shit she had been pulling. He even HELPED us pack up and move. So, here's hoping he's cleaned up his act finally. Not that it matters. I left all that behind in NY. Though I should be up for Christmas. I'll see if I can't visit some of you people.

Oh, and I've been getting better with photoshop!

The only thing I did by hand was the line art of the faerie. Everything else, even the leaf, was done in photoshop.

A sig I did completely with photoshop

And a nifty symbol I made. Lots of love to filters and basic shapes!

</cut>

Well anyway, I can't garuntee that I'll be updating regularly again but meh, just letting you guys know I'm still alive. This is your local wolfgirl signing off.

A Thought to Ponder:
Don't let the knob hit you where the sun don't shine.

~wolf howl~

Wow...has it been forever or what?

Tue, 30 May 2006 06:28:18 GMT

Well, I put so much effort into this character...I'm putting it up on livejournal....can't resist. This is the line-art but here it is. Luka and his character info below.

The RP is a Historical Alternate Universe/Xmen setting. It takes place in the years following WWII, in a school not unlike the Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters (XMen Evolution, the animated series)

http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c307/OkamiKodomo/my%20drawings%20and%20scans/LukaInkedcopy.jpg

Character Name: Luka (last name unknown)
Origin/Nationality: South America/unknown
Age: 16
Height: 5’6’’
Hair Color:
Eye Color: gold
Power(s): shadow manipulation, night vision
Personality: He is very kind, and hates inflicting harm on others, but he is very, very skittish and jumpy, constantly looking over his shoulder. If surprised, he may unintentionally call up his “shadow guardian” a shadow creature he believes is his guardian spirit, but is actually his “alter ego” manifested through his powers, and made sentient. Luka does not realize that he made him. He loves the outdoors, and it is with great difficulty that he will sleep inside a solid, four-walled structure. He often talks to himself, or more often than not, his shadow guardian. He refers to himself in the third person when doing so, and speaks of himself in the plural when talking to anyone else.
Miscellaneous: He is extremely photosensitive. His eyes take a long time to adjust to sudden exposure to bright light, and thus he feels vulnerable. He has a limited vocabulary, English being his second language, but he doesn’t speak much as it is. His body, though lean, is mostly muscle, and his reflexes have been honed to near super-human proportions from living on his own in the jungle.
History: His actual parents were on an expedition in the South American rainforests for two years, during which time, Luka was born. His mutation was obvious at birth, exposing his father as a mutant himself. His mother left him in disgrace, returning to her home in Germany, and his father, heartbroken and left with the infant Luka, wandered into the jungle alone. Delirious with fever and carrying a starving baby, he was found by a tribal huntsman, who brought them to his village. Unable to save the father, the huntsman took Luka as his own. His mate, having just been through a still-birth, was delighted with another chance at being a mother, and was able to nurse the child. His mutation was seen as a herald of the divine, until his power began to develop. The villagers began to shun him, especially when it became apparent that there was an instability of his mind, which steadily increased with his powers. At thirteen, he was finally exiled, and he spent the next three years surviving on his own, with the aid of his powers.
It was when he stumbled upon a small port city that his existence became known. Luckily, a scout from Eden found him before he could make a spectacle of himself. He was brought to Eden Institute, where Dierk Gerhardt quickly recognized his ability to phase through shadows as an excellent infiltration technique. Due to his mental instability and difficulty controlling his powers, Dierk found it necessary to use his ability to suppress other mutations, and forced Luka into submission, by blocking out his shadow creatures, which are, quite literally, a part of him. Now, though Luka despises being indoors, he obeys Dierk without question, convinced as he was, that the man was only trying to train him, so he wouldn’t be susceptible to such a thing from the “enemy”. </cut>

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 06:48:31 GMT

Okami will have to write:

I will stop collecting shiny things that I find on the ground

'What will you have to write on the chalk board?' at QuizGalaxy.com

OMG

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 02:01:15 GMT

Wow....just wow.

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:

Your independence is low.
This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..
It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.
In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

The Five Variable Love Test

Fucking Insomnia

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 07:38:30 GMT

Gah! 2:30am....class in 5 1/2 hrs....Fuck.

I still have to clean my room. Jason's coming up and you can't see my floor.

I just finished a bowl of ramen.

I made it snow. Every time I wish for it to snow, it does, and last night I wished for big fluffy flakes...and we got a snowstorm today.

Tried to convince my teacher to play DnD with us.

My first campaign is going well. The NPCs I made are fun to play. Especially the trixie(half pixie, half gnome). She's like a faerie with AD/HD. And Lucas's character is hilarious. And Marie is playing a psychotic halfing/catfolk rogue...who has it in for the trixie.

I want more ramen.

Thought to Ponder: To the world, you may be only one person, but to one person, you're the world.

Nite All.

*wolf howl*

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 16:45:42 GMT

What kind of jewel are you?

Watermelon Tourmaline

You are truly one of a kind. Your beauty is unique, which makes people love you all the more.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Whats your inner animal?

Dog

Loyal, you protect your friends and family, caring and sweet

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

What random word are you? #2

Methuselah.

An extremely old man.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

What spirituality is for you?

Agnostic

At this point, you're not sure what to believe. You haven't denied the existence of a higher being, but you didn't follow the lies your parents fed you either.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Which Yu Yu Hakusho mofo is for you?

Kurama

You've gotten Kurama. Calm, collected, sophisticated...and yet, still, no one is actually quite sure about his sexuality.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

This bites...

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 06:36:25 GMT

You know....I have had such a case of insomnia lately...GRR! I know I said I wasn't gonna be sticking around, but damn! I have nothing else to do...GRR! It's almost 2 in the morning, and I'm not even drowsey. *shakes fist at sleep* DAMN YOU!

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.

Agreeableness:

You have low agreeableness.
Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all.
In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted.
And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 05:43:03 GMT

Get your own spectral analysis from Area 23^®

>.>

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 09:32:25 GMT

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love.

You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt.

You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky.

In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm.

Break-ups can be painful for you, but you never show it. You hold your head high.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

Your Love Element Is Fire

In love, you are a true listener and totally present.
For you, love is all about feeling more alive than you've ever felt.

You attract others with your joy and passion.
Your flirting style is defined by your strong ability to communicate.

Fun and play are the cornerstones of your love life.
And while your flame may burn too brightly, it's part of your appeal.

You connect best with: Wood

Avoid: Water

You and another Fire element: will likely burn out quickly

What Element Is Your Love?

Your Fortune Is

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

Your Fortune Is

Underwear is not the best thing on earth - but next to it.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

Your Fortune Is

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

Your Fortune Is

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

Your Fortune Is

He who sit on upturned tack, rise above all.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

Your Fortune Is

The best way to save face, is to keep the lower part of it shut.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

Your Fortune Is

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

Your Fortune Is

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

o.0

Your Stripper Song Is

Closer by Nine Inch Nails

"You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I?ve got no
Soul to tell"

When you dance, it's a little scary - and a lot sexy.

What Song Should You Strip To?

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups

Very popular, one of you is not enough.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

You Are Chinese Food

Exotic yet ordinary.
People think they've had enough of you, but they're back for more in an hour.

What Kind of Food Are You?

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun.
You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life...
Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut.
To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 02:59:10 GMT

Hey everyone, just wanted to say hi and thanks for your comments and stuff. We're working it out, and everything is gonna be ok. Alot of that was me venting, so yeah... A rant is a rant. Thanks and hugs to all.

A thought to Ponder:
Ignore previous cookie

*wolf howl*

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 20:12:59 GMT

You Are The Hanging Man

You represent the seeking of enlightenment and spiritual clarity.
You tend to confuse others, but your oddities seem deeply satisfying.
Self sacrifice is easy for you, especially if it makes you a better person in the end.
You are the type of person who is very in touch with your soul and inner spirit.

Your fortune:

Right now is a good time for reflection and meditation.
You should stop resisting the problems in your life, and let yourself be vulnerable to them.
You may need to sacrifice something important to you to move ahead in your life.
Accept your destiny with courage, and learn to let go of what you think you need.

What Tarot Card Are You?

After you die...
Purgatory

After death, you will exist in purgatory. It's so-so, I heard.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

I'm back.

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 06:44:59 GMT

Hey guys. I haven't been around, prolly won't be sticking around either. Been addicted to Gaia Online. Just felt the need to rant. Read or not, it's under a cut, to spare those who don't want to.

Wow, so you're actually reading this? Morbid curiousity is a bitch, eh?

Haven't been sleeping good lately. Up till 4 in the morning usually, with 8am classes Monday, Wendsday and Friday. Sleeping during the day, so it all ends up in a vicious cycle. I even tried to reset my schedule by pulling a literal all-nighter. Didn't even shut my light off, stayed up on the computer, drawing, just stuff to keep me awake. Went to class...came back...napped for 2 hours to get me through my Japanese Quiz...and still...I couldn't fall asleep that night till 3. What is wrong with me?

Jason started his job. He works all day, and when he gets home, we talk for a bit and then he falls asleep on the phone. We never get to see each other anymore, he works weekends. He only gets a weekend off occasionally. Time is flying for him, but it's creeping for me. I can't stand it. When I do finally fall asleep, I'm practically in tears because I miss him so much. Tonight I actually am crying. But I refuse to be the psycho-needy girlfriend, so I try my hardest not to say anything. It's not like he can drop everything and come see me, so there's no point in saying anything. Yes he has days off, but they're in the middle of the week, and he seems to always have something else going on. He said tonight how he could have made the effort to come see me, but he had other things to do. How am I supposed to interpret that? That he can't be bothered anymore? Or did he want me to tell him he didn't have to so he wouldn't feel guilty? I just don't think he realizes how much it really hurts. And anyone who reads this, don't you dare start bitching at me for it. I put this under a cut so you wouldn't have to read it, but I needed to rant. I feel like he's forgotten or fogetting about me. I don't feel important to him anymore. He used to make every effort he could to spend time with me, now it's like he can't be bothered. Even his effing guitar seems more important. He proposed to me over break, and he didn't have the ring, but that wasn't a big deal. He said that he'd get it as soon as he had the money. Now he's talking about all these other things he wants to buy, but I just kept my mouth shut. I want to yell at him, scream, saying: Why CAN'T you make the effort to come see me? Why are you buying a new guitar when you have two already and you promised me a ring? I would be worried about him seeing this, but I already wrote him a note a few days ago, and he never saw it, so it's safe to assume he doesn't read my journal anymore. I'd give anything to see him right now. I can't even describe how much I miss him, how much I just wish he could show me that I AM still important to him.

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 22:46:24 GMT

catharsis...working out and balancing my feelings

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 09:46:15 GMT

These first few are by Vanessa Carlton.

"Sway"
My heart, your hands. Gentle my friend.
Break me neatly. Numb me sweetly.

chorus:
Say you would, say you could,
say you'd come and stop the rain
Say you'd try and hold me tight
And you just push me away
Make me high on lullabies,
A melody for me to sway
Say you would, say you could
But you don't do anything.

Come down heavy, try and steady
Precious ladies, love you, love me

chorus

hold my head up to the lies that you feed me.
I'll fall under the spell you cast as you lay me down

chorus

say you'd come and stop the rain

"Paradise"
Once upon a year gone by
She saw herself give in
Every time she closed her eyes
She saw what could have been
Well, nothing hurts and nothing bleeds
When covers tucked in tight
Finally when the bottom drops out,
She forgets to fight....to fight

And it's one more day in paradise
One more day in paradise

As darkness quickly steals the light
That shined within her eyes
She slowly swallows all her fears
And soothes her mind with lies
Well, all she wants and all she needs
Are reasons to survive
A day in which the sun will take
Her artificial light....her light

And it's one more day in paradise
One more day in paradise
It's one more day in paradise
One last chance to feel alright....alright

Don't pretend to hold it in, just let it out
Don't pretend to hold it in, just push it out.
Don't you try to hold it in, just let it out
Don't you try to hold it in, you hold it in

And it's one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise

Once upon a year gone by
she saw herself give in
Every time she closed her eyes
She saw what could have been

"Prince"
Willing and able to run
I am
Willing and able I'm able to come.

And if I wait for you now
would you come, would you run
Would you bring it back around
Oh baby how...

If it all went away, nothing left to say
Would you fight it or would you lay down
At the hands of your god could you see the light?
Oh my prince can't you see what's been found?

Willing and able to run
Willing and able to come
I am willing I am willing

Willing and able to run
I am
Willing and able to come

"Wanted"
I have wandered far and wide
For something real, something to die for
And I have found you and you do not see
All that is me all that is true

Chorus:
I am more than you will see
I am more than you will need.
I am more than you see
more than wanted

As you float the flimsy surface
You should know life lies beneath it
Don't pretend you feel what I feel for you
Live illusion and I am real

Chorus

I know I know you like the way you feel when I play
I know I know you don't really hear what I say
I know I know you are waiting for something to raid
I know I know you wish you could be more than you say

I have wandered far and wide
For something real, something to die for
But I have found you, and you do not see
All that is me, all that is true, and

Chorus

More than you'll love, more than you'll hate
More than you'll hold, more than wanted
More than you'll crave, more than you'll cherish
More than you'll have, more than wanted.

"Twilight"
I was stained with a role, in a day not my own
But as you came into my life, you showed what needed to be shown
I always knew what was right, just didn't know that I might
Peel away and start to see with such a different sight

Chorus:
And I will never see the sun the same way
And I will learn to say goodbye to yesterday
And I will never cease to fly if held down
And I will always reach too high,
Cause I've seen twilight

Never cared, never wanted, never sought to see what flaunted
So on purpose, so in my face, couldn't see beyond my own place
It was so easy not behold what I could hold
But you taught me I could change whatever came into these shallow days.

Chorus

As the sun shines through, it pushes away and pushes ahead
It fills the warmth of blue and leaves a chill instead
I didn't know that I could be so blind to all that is so real
But as illusion dies, I see there is so much to be revealed

Chorus

I was stained by a role in a day not my own
But as you came into my life you showed what needed to be shown
I always knew what was right, just didn't think that I might
Peel away and start to see with such a different light

Chorus

"Pretty Baby"
You light me up and then I fall for you.
You lay me down and then I call for you
Stumbling on reasons that are far and few
I'd let it all come down and then some for you

chorus:
Pretty baby, don't you leave me, I have been saving smiles for you.
Pretty baby, why can't you see, you're the one that I belong to
I'll be the embrace that keeps you warm, I'll be the sun that breaks the storm
I'll be alright, and I'll sleep sound as long as you keep comin' round
Oh pretty baby

And I know things can't last forever
But there are lessons that you'll never learn
Oh just the scent of you, it makes me hurt...
So how's it you that makes me better?

chorus

Why can't you hold me and never let go?
When you touch me, it is me that you own.
Pretty baby, oh the place that you hold deep in my heart
Would you break it apart again.....oh pretty baby

chorus

Here's two by Lifehouse:

"Breathing"
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there
Take a breath, hold on tight
Spin around one more time, and gracefully, fall back to the arms of grace

Chorus:
I am hangin on every word you say
And even if you don't wanna speak tonight, that's alright
Alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside of Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
Is where I wanna be

I am looking past the shadows in my mind
Into the truth, I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head, God which one's you
Let me feel one more time, what it feels like to be alive
And break these calluses off me one more time.

Chorus

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting for the scraps to fall off of your table
To the ground
I just want to be here now.

Chorus

"Everything"
Find me here, speak to me
I want to feel you, I need to hear you
You are the light that's leading me
To a place where I find peace
Again
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose, you are everything

Chorus:
And how can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, you give me rest
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall
you still my heart, and you take my breath away
Would you take me in, would you take me deeper now...

Chorus

'Cause you're all I want!
You're all I need!
You're everything...everything!

Chorus

If you read this far, Jason, then you know, that no matter what, I love you. Even when we disagree. I want nothing more than to be enough to make you happy. Please let me try. Let me be enough to make you happy. Please don't turn me away. Dividing pain two hearts makes the burden easier to bear.

More quizzes

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 18:00:49 GMT

Polymath
You are 57% knowledgable and 69% intellectual.

You are on the right path to becoming a legitimate genius! You have
your assets balanced-- it is up to you to hit the books and do some
brain teasers!

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 29% on knowledge
You scored higher than 32% on intellect

Link: The Knowledge vs. Intellect Test written by rattytintinface on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Farm or Ranch
You scored 15 out of 40 on urban-rural and 14 out of 40 land intensity.

People know you as: The Milkmaid

Quote: "You get to not mind the cow smell."

Your score indicates that you prefer a rural atmosphere to an urban one
and low land intensity. You’re no hermit though; you like other people
and, once you start talking to them, other people like you. As far as
you’re concerned there is no difference between living in a city and
living in a suburb, not that you would want to do either because you’re
probably a bit scared of cities in the first place.

Examples of places you should live: Amish country, PA; Kansas

All Categories

Secluded Hideaway / Farm or Ranch / Small Town / Little City / Suburb / Streetcar Suburb / Rowhouse 'Hood / Downtown Loft

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 12% on urban-rural
You scored higher than 10% on land intensity

Link: The Where Should You Live Test written by TwelveFloorsUp on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

This one's for Rick. Ritz, he reads your journal more than mine, give him this one, lol

Official Survivor
Congratulations! You scored 68%!

Whether through ferocity or quickness, you made it out. You made the
right choice most of the time, but you probably screwed up somewhere.
Nobody's perfect, at least you're alive.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 15% on survivalpoints

Link: The Zombie Scenario Survivor Test written by ci8db4uok on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

The Expatriate
Achtung! You are 15% brainwashworthy, 31% antitolerant, and 28% blindly patriotic

Congratulations! You are not susceptible to brainwashing, your values
and cares extend beyond the borders of your own country, and your Blind
Patriotism does not reach unhealthy levels. If you had been German in the 30s, you would've left the country.

One bad scenario -- as I hypothetically project you back in time -- is
that you just wouldn't have cared one way or the other about Nazism.
Maybe politics don't interest you enough. But the fact that you took
this test means they probably do. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the
doubt.

Did you know that many of the smartest Germans departed prior to the
beginning of World War II, because they knew some evil shit was
brewing? Brain Drain. Many of them were scientists. It is very possible
you could have been one of them.

Conclusion: born and raised in Germany in the early 1930's, you would not have been a Nazi.

The Would You Have Been A Nazi? Test

- it rules -

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 3% on brainwashworthy
You scored higher than 41% on antitolerant
You scored higher than 25% on patriotic

Link: The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

You are 35 years old!!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 49% on Age

Link: The What is your REAL age Test written by eqreemi on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Well, considering I'm still a virgin, lol

Warm Welcome
You have an intellectual sexiness factor of 55!

You're adequate when it comes the sexual intellect. You're more
liberated than most, but you're also less liberated than most. You're a
long way from the top, and in this day and age of sexual freedom,
that's not too good.
You're fun in bed, sex is a pleasure with you, but if you'd free your
mind a little more you could be fantastic. Study up on sex. Read
everything you can on it, manuals, magazine articles, porn. Talk with
the opposite sex about it. Experiment, grow, develop. Become a red hot
lover from the inside out. It's not about how you look, it's about how
you think. Figure out what's sexy and become it.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 5% on sexiness

Link: The Intellectual Sexiness Test written by dr_eros on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Quizzes

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 22:14:48 GMT

What would u look like as a fairy??.::PiCs::.[MORE RESULTS]
brought to you by Quizilla

Tiger demon. You have a hot, short temper, and
don't let anyone mess with you, so they CAN'T
underestimate you. When you have the chance to
fight..you show no mercy. You have friends even
though you say you don't need any. Your element
is fire.(AWSOME) Your colors are orange, green,
and black.

What's your half demon side? (ANIME pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Gothic Boys

You have a dark personality and style, which
reaches out to those boys with numerous tattoos
and piercings, and black hair. they like you
and you like them, so the next time your eying
that.. cute.. goth boy, you should go for it!

What kind of boys like you? (GiRLZ ONLii<3 *13 dif. results!* [PiiCtURES!])
brought to you by Quizilla

Who are you ?? Really??? (Beautiful anime pictures, mostly for us girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

Accidentaly in love

Its seems like your romance was either on accident
or you met, unexpectedly after talking for
awhile on the phone. This kind of romance
normaly triggers a lifetime friendship.

How in love are you with somone?
brought to you by Quizilla

What angel are you? (with anime pics and japanese names)
brought to you by Quizilla

If you were anime what would you look like(Girls OnlyAlot of new different Results)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are in Love:
I am very happy for you. this guy must be pretty
special because you are head over heals for him

What Are You? (anime pics)(Like 15 results)(updated)
brought to you by Quizilla

3:10am.....

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 08:12:31 GMT

Someone, please...Put me out of my misery. I'll load the gun for ya and everything. Just shoot me now.

Any takers?

..........................

Damn.

wolfgirl+bad mood+dirty quizzes = don't open at work (or class, for that matter)

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 06:24:22 GMT

Romantic, sensual, caring

You prefer to make love. You like the intimacy that comes with sex and you are a very loyal person.

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

<td align="center">Scorpio

You are very dominant in bed, and you like to control your relationship in general.

You are so intense in the sack that none of your partners will ever forget you. You are an amazing lover, because you like to have an equal amount of give and take.

Sex matches: Cancer, Capricorn, Pisces

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com
</td>

Your favorite thing to say in the bedroom is:	Do you have intentions of deflowering my rose?
Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

</td>
</table>

<td align="center">Your most embarrassing sexual moment:

You saw a shiny new penny under the bed while having sex

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>

<td align="center">You are 34% Bisexual

You aren’t really bisexual. You are either strait or gay, although sometimes you get a little bi-curious, and fantasize about joining the other team. You are very confident in you sexuality, and you like to flirt.

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>

<td align="center">You are most attracted to Link

You like the brave and heroic kind and who doesn't? You would switch places with Zelda anyday.

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>

<td align="center">You should make love to soul

You like to groove, slow and steady. Throw on the James Brown and let the atmosphere envelop your lovemaking.

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>

<td align="center">Strawberries!

You are incredibly seductive and can tempt any hottie. Try using strawberries, and other sweet fruits as part of your seduction. Throw in a blindfold for extra pleasure.

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>

<td align="center">You are 14% Gold Digger

You are not a gold digger. Love means a lot to you and you would never compromise your chance of true love by trying to seduce someone wealthy.

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 05:50:20 GMT

Tears. But no feeling. Numb. Empty. Alone.

Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me into madness
I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away

Don't turn away
Don't give in to the pain
Don't try to hide
Though they're screaming your name
Don't close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
Don't turn out the lights
Never sleep never die

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know that there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be blinded by tears
I can stop the pain if I will it all away

Don't turn away
Don't give in to the pain
Don't try to hide
Even though they're screaming your name
Don't close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
Don't turn off the lights
Never sleep never die

Fallen Angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to you I fear
She beckons me Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for I rise to meet the end

Don't turn away
Don't give in to the pain
Don't try to hide
Even though they're screaming your name
Don't close your eyes
God Knows what lies behind them
Don't turn off the lights
Never sleep never die

Don't close your eyes
Never sleep never die
Don't try to hide
Even though they're screaming your name
Don't close your eyes
Never sleep never die
Don't try to hide
Don't close your eyes
Never sleep never die

Pack Child

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 04:51:30 GMT

Running away
Running in circles
Seeking a place that can
Never be found
Believe me
Leave me
Sitting in the dusty darkness
One hand reaching out
Longing to bring back
What once exsisted
The nights we would run
Our song chased the moon
As we chased the stars
A pack child
But what's a wolf
Without a pack?

You Were a Deer

Graceful and gentle, you appreciate beauty and balance.
A giving soul, you are able to sacrifice for the greater good.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

Dammit

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 23:11:43 GMT

Fuck. I have officially realized that trying to do work with Marie when she has forgotten to take her meds is utterly futile. ADD and AD/HD can be a real bitch at times. I even had a cup of coffee to help me focus, but Marie was just too out of it to even bother trying. I tried tutoring her with Japanese, so that way I could learn and she could hope to get at least a 10 on her final. But we sat there coloring my pieces of chalk with Crayola markers instead. And she made some of the hirigana battle it out on her piece of paper. At least she learned 3 characters. I was also going to try and get some overdue Core Class work done, but I didn't get to accomplish that either. I had some motivation today, something I've been completely lacking for weeks now, I was all set to actually get some work done. But no. I lost my focus, and gave in to the distractions of chalk and markers. So, now, I feel completely drained, unmotivated and rather depressed. I just want to get out of here. I even would go so far as to say I want to go home. I have no desire to deal with my mother, but I just want to get away from here and sleep in my own bed, and play with my dog. I miss my dog, like you have no idea. I just don't want to have to worry about all this anymore. I don't want to deal with it.

I had a dream last night about hot cocoa and whipped cream.

And I found a tube of stage blood on the ground, which Marie and I poured on the snow. And discovered that not all Crayola markers are washable, because I still can't get it off my fingers.

I miss my dog.

Winter is fun when it's snowing, but it sucks if you don't have gloves and a hat, because you're an idiot and left it home.

Someone get me out of here. This last week is going to be brutal. Well, actually, it's tomorrow that's going to be real hell. The rest shouldn't be too bad. I have two of my three finals on Monday, and then my Writing final on Thursday. I don't know when the Video Art final is, because I've already flunked the class, so I have no desire to go. I feel horribly guilty, because when my mom finds out that I failed my class, she's going to kill me. Get me out of here.

Keep me safe from all the world
Let me hide in your embrace
Protect me from all that would hurt me
Cover my eyes, so I can't see the suffering
Let me forget the world exsists
Lock me inside a bubble
Where I can have my own world
Somewhere that I can finally find peace

A thought to ponder:
Would you rather have one wing and know you can never fly, or have no wings and only dream about it?

*wolf howl*

Your 2005 Song Is

Mr. Brightside by The Killers

"It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss"

Let's just say you're happy to be done with 2005!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?