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Sunday, August 24th, 2008
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8:05 pm
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Sooo...I guess I might as well get back in the habit of updating. We'll see how well that goes.
I'm in New York for a few days. Don't know what's gonna happen with my relationship. Terrified that I'll get back to Orlando, and I won't have a home to go back to. Lonely up here. And boring. This computer is a piece of shit. I have to fix it as best I can.
Too much aggravation. I really don't know why I came up here. My dad was here for the first two days and he and my mother didn't stop going at each other's throats the entire time. I certainly didn't come here for that. And my brothers have become these...these...self-centered assholes. Ian wants my mom to give him the money she had been saving to buy a new washer/dryer so he can go buy himself some new car. Aaron thinks my mom stole money from him. And everything -- EVERYTHING -- is a bloody freakin battle with the lot of em. I can't stand this. If my cell only had service I would have already changed my flight to come home sooner. It's crazy making, and every time I turn around, I'm confronted with another memory. Most of which are painful.
Especially the ones of Jason and I.
There are memories of Sam and Geoff everywhere around here, too. And my family, and all the things I've lost or all the times I've been hurt. It's an emotional overload, on top of the issues already fogging up my brain. I've already snapped once in the past few days. I can't take all this anymore. And everyone has their shoulders to cry on, but where is mine? Who can I turn to when my heart aches?
current mood:  lonely
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| Tuesday, August 19th, 2008
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8:21 pm - Is there a subject for this?
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Hey there everyone....I wonder who remembers me, who still reads these from my days of regular updating. Doesn't matter. Someone will read it. I guess that's all I can ask for.
It's been a while since I've hung around LJ. I've learned a lot, seen a little, and lived my own way for two years now. Don't know what to say about it. There have been good times, but a lot of hardships. I wonder now why I ever longed to do this.
Oh yeah...that's right. I was in love, and I lived with a control freak of a mother.
"Was" in love? Why do you use the past-tense, Wolfie?
Because I think the one I love has forgotten why we loved each other.
Times have been hard. Not that it would surprise anyone; times are hard all over the place. But something has happened to the one I love. Something in him has changed. Maybe something in me has changed too, but I don't know. I'm still me. I still feel like me. I enjoy a lot of the same things I always used to; though not with the same frequency. Having a full time job tends to do that. I still find beauty in the same things, I still hate living in a city. I miss seeing the stars at night, or feeling the Earth breathing around me. I've officially declared myself Pagan now, so I guess that's one thing that's different. Although my mother still doesn't know, so some things never change I suppose.
But he has changed. And I don't know what has happened to him. He's not the man I fell in love with. So typical, I suppose. Once they have you for their own, they stop being sweet and romantic and all that sappy shit. What happened to the guy who sat at my bedside when I had my wisdom teeth removed, and was under anesthesia? The one who used to pick me up for work and get me there early just so we could have a few minutes to talk before I went inside? The one who would come to Shoprite for a bottle of soda just to be able to see me long enough to say hi? Where is the man that would choose me over all his other friends to hang out with, who wanted to accept every natural phenomenon as a symbol of divine blessing on our relationship?
We used to sit in the SCCC parking lot and look at the stars, or sing along to the radio. Just because we weren't ready to say goodnight. We saw so many shootings stars together. When we were driving, he would touch my hair or hand and smile at me. And neither of us could believe how lucky we'd been to find the other.
He drove three hours in the middle of the night to be with me just because I was hurting and miserable in college. I thought he was the best guy in the whole fucking world.
We would go hiking and he would laugh and watch as I bounced around like a billy goat, telling me I was going to fall into the creek, but I never did, and he would shake his head and wonder.
What happened to all that? What happened to enjoying just the simple act of waking up next to each other? What happened to holding my hand? What happened to the random hugs and kisses? To pillow fights?
These days...things are different. As if you couldn't tell.
We were so happy. But slowly...things have unraveled. I never thought...couldn't have ever suspected that the happiness from then could have turned into this. The city has poisoned him. Being surrounded by concrete and steel, and bitterness and disappointment, having to work so hard, and getting nothing from it. It has made him so unhappy. And he directs this unhappiness at me. I wish I could make it go away. I wish I could make him happy again. I wish we could go back to where and when things were simple. Leave this deathtrap, go back to the mountaintops.
And lately...there is someone else. Not for me, no. But another girl who seems to be edging her way in between us far too fast. And she has admitted feelings for Jason. I'm not a jealous person. But something about this feels fundamentally wrong. I can't help it. It's not him I don't trust. It's her. And I don't want her around him. But what right do I have to tell him that? He says he doesn't have any friends his own age down here, and it's true. But texting each other all the time and hanging out with each other on a regular basis...all the while as Jay and I are having difficulties. Any girl would react as I have. Everyone I've talked to has said this is inappropriate. Why can't he see it? Why can't he see how much it hurts me? Why can't he understand that he's ripping my heart out with this? All because of someone he's befriended over the past two weeks. She offers him a shoulder to cry on and her heart if things don't work out between Jay and myself, but he should work things out with me if he can. Gods...I love him so much and its like he doesn't care that it hurts. I would like to say I honestly know he does care, but it really doesn't feel like he does. It is no secret I have abandonment issues. That I've been hurt in the past. That I've been turned aside because I'm too much to deal with. I'm damaged. Right down to my core, I'm fractured. Goddess if I could only have one wish, it would be for him to treat me like he used to. For him to love me like he used to. For him to hold me close again and make me feel like I'm actually special to him.
Where is he? Where is the man I loved? Goddess...I want him back. I want my Jason back. My friend, my boyfriend, my fiance, my lover, my everything, my all.
Thought to Ponder:
If wishes were wings, all the world would fly.
current mood:  apathetic
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| Thursday, September 7th, 2006
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12:00 am - And you thought I was dead!
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Woot! It has been for-fucking-ever since I last updated. Wow can anyone say change?
So, I've been living in none other than Orlando, FL for the past two months with my fiance. It's been a bitch and a half trying to find work though. Everyone is hiring, but not for anything that makes a halfway decent pay. My paperwork got fucked for college, so now I'm starting in October. It sucked ass though, cuz they said we were set to go, and we came in the day before classes started to get our schedules and they're like, no, your paperwork wasn't finished. Me: >.<
ANYWAY! It feels great not being under my mom's thumb, though she still refuses to acknowledge that Jason is her future son-in-law. Damn, I feel bad for Jason...he's gonna have a mother-in-law from hell.
So, the ride down here was a real adventure. We got a late start and had to take a detour to drop my father off back in Elmira (more on that later) so we only got in about 8-10 hours of driving to our actual destination before we had to stop for the night. Even though we had spent most of the day in the van...*grumbles* Fuckers didn't allow pets in the hotels so Kiba had to sleep in the van, which I hated. My baby was up all night barking for us I bet, cuz he slept all day after that. Evil Virginia.
Anywho, the next day, we didn't want to have to spend another night in a hotel, so we drove the remaining 17 hours straight. Plus pitstops to walk the dog and relieve our own human needs, including food. We couldn't keep any in the van cuz Kiba would get it lol.
But yeah...17 fucking hours in a moving van with a dog sleeping halfway on your lap....I do not want to repeat that experience again x.x But the real kicker...We finally get down here and the business office is closed, so we can't get into our apartment. At this point, we only had about 4 hours of sleep, we were tired and hungry and stiff from not moving...And we have to spend a night in a hotel ANYWAY. We drive up and down Orange Blossom Trail (the equivalent of a Broadway for Orlando), though now we've come to know it as OBT, The Trail, or Ho-BT...And a popular euphemism for a whore, or prostition around here is a 'trail worker' or 'working the trail' But yeah, we found a place to stop, and I swear to you, it was the typical motel out of a cheesy movie. For starters, the cardkey took six tries to get the door open. The beds didn't even have fitted sheets, the pillows were older than I am, flatter than pancakes and I couldn't even tell what color they used to be. The pictures they had on the (mind you, cracked and stained) walls were lopsided and in no better condition than the pillows. There was a roach in the closet, and when I walked into the bathroom, I nearly puked. Moldy bathrubs are NOT attractive. We were in that room all of two minutes before we decided we couldn't stay there. And then the owner gave Jason a hard time over the lousy $50 we paid for the place. To top it all off, the vending machine ate my dollar. >.< Funny cuz I dont even remember what I was trying to get. So, we found another place that had just opened and safe to say it was worth the extra money. Nice king size bed, fluffy pillows, a clean bathroom...even internet access. And since it was a suite and at the back of the place, I was able to sneak Kiba in lol.
Then there was a minor hassle with getting internet access in the apartment, since the cable hookups were all dummies for some reason. And after they made us wait a week to even get someone to come out here...grr...
Ok, so, why did we have to drop my dad off? Yeah, the bugger decided to drop into my life again. I think my mom wanted him to convince me not to move, or at least disapprove of Jason. Like he's in a posistion to do so...but anyway, her little plan backfired once I told him the shit she had been pulling. He even HELPED us pack up and move. So, here's hoping he's cleaned up his act finally. Not that it matters. I left all that behind in NY. Though I should be up for Christmas. I'll see if I can't visit some of you people.
Oh, and I've been getting better with photoshop!
( Pictures! )
current mood:  relaxed
current music: Unreal Tournament soundtrack from Jason's computer
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| Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
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2:22 am - Wow...has it been forever or what?
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Well, I put so much effort into this character...I'm putting it up on livejournal....can't resist. This is the line-art but here it is. Luka and his character info below.
The RP is a Historical Alternate Universe/Xmen setting. It takes place in the years following WWII, in a school not unlike the Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters (XMen Evolution, the animated series)
http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c307/OkamiKodomo/my%20drawings%20and%20scans/LukaInkedcopy.jpg
( Luka )
current mood:  accomplished
current music: noisy-ass AC in the window
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| Monday, February 13th, 2006
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1:47 am
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| Friday, February 10th, 2006
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8:57 pm - OMG
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Wow....just wow.
( Look )
current mood: ecstatic
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2:30 am - Fucking Insomnia
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Gah! 2:30am....class in 5 1/2 hrs....Fuck.
I still have to clean my room. Jason's coming up and you can't see my floor.
I just finished a bowl of ramen.
I made it snow. Every time I wish for it to snow, it does, and last night I wished for big fluffy flakes...and we got a snowstorm today.
Tried to convince my teacher to play DnD with us.
My first campaign is going well. The NPCs I made are fun to play. Especially the trixie(half pixie, half gnome). She's like a faerie with AD/HD. And Lucas's character is hilarious. And Marie is playing a psychotic halfing/catfolk rogue...who has it in for the trixie.
I want more ramen.
Thought to Ponder: To the world, you may be only one person, but to one person, you're the world.
Nite All.
*wolf howl*
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| Monday, February 6th, 2006
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11:44 am
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| Sunday, February 5th, 2006
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1:35 am - This bites...
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You know....I have had such a case of insomnia lately...GRR! I know I said I wasn't gonna be sticking around, but damn! I have nothing else to do...GRR! It's almost 2 in the morning, and I'm not even drowsey. *shakes fist at sleep* DAMN YOU!
| Your Five Factor Personality Profile | 
Extroversion:
You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."
Conscientiousness:
You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.
Agreeableness:
You have low agreeableness.
Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all.
In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted.
And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently.
Neuroticism:
You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything. |
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12:41 am
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| Friday, February 3rd, 2006
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4:07 am - >.>
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| Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
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9:56 pm
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Hey everyone, just wanted to say hi and thanks for your comments and stuff. We're working it out, and everything is gonna be ok. Alot of that was me venting, so yeah... A rant is a rant. Thanks and hugs to all.
A thought to Ponder:
Ignore previous cookie
*wolf howl*
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| Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
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3:08 pm
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| You Are The Hanging Man | 
You represent the seeking of enlightenment and spiritual clarity.
You tend to confuse others, but your oddities seem deeply satisfying.
Self sacrifice is easy for you, especially if it makes you a better person in the end.
You are the type of person who is very in touch with your soul and inner spirit.
Your fortune:
Right now is a good time for reflection and meditation.
You should stop resisting the problems in your life, and let yourself be vulnerable to them.
You may need to sacrifice something important to you to move ahead in your life.
Accept your destiny with courage, and learn to let go of what you think you need. |
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12:43 am - I'm back.
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Hey guys. I haven't been around, prolly won't be sticking around either. Been addicted to Gaia Online. Just felt the need to rant. Read or not, it's under a cut, to spare those who don't want to.
( rant )
current mood: drained
current music: Breaking Benjamin - Simple Design
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| Sunday, January 22nd, 2006
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5:45 pm
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| Saturday, December 24th, 2005
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4:51 am - catharsis...working out and balancing my feelings
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| Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
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12:01 pm - More quizzes
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( Read more... )
current mood: bored
current music: Breakin Benjamin; Firefly
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| Monday, December 12th, 2005
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3:39 pm - Quizzes
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( Read more... )
current mood: bored
current music: Whisper, Evanescence
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3:10 am - 3:10am.....
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Someone, please...Put me out of my misery. I'll load the gun for ya and everything. Just shoot me now.
Any takers?
..........................
Damn.
current mood: depressed
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1:02 am - wolfgirl+bad mood+dirty quizzes = don't open at work (or class, for that matter)
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okamikodomo's journal
